Where is the owner of the dismembered hand dangling from the mouth of this dancing ape? And where is the body from which he amputated the human foot he is using as a clapper in his celebration orgy? In which unfortunate country did this happen? Where was the law when these beasts were on the prowl? Who is going to redress this unspeakable transgression?

As members of the global human family, what hope for the rest of us, the unarmed survivors, who are usually told to patiently await our turn to be guillotined, with our body parts used in a mock-dance.

Mercifully, I’ve since learned that the video was shot in Burkina Faso by their own religious lunatics who are nonetheless as cannibalistic as the Nigerian variant. Thanks to PRNigeria, an online medium, we now know that “The viral video originated from Burkina Faso. The men seen dancing with what appear to be human body parts are militants from that country, celebrating the defeat of their enemies.

“If you have also seen the video, may I ask you how it makes you feel? Or, have you reached the stage of being unshockable – which the late educationist, Dr. Tai Solarin, warned us against many years ago?

No, we must not allow society to get used to these numbing depravities regularly posted on social media by subhuman monsters who should never have been born. Boko Haram started the trend with colourful video clips of decapitation. Then, its leader, Abubakar Shekau, posted even more horrifying videos of himself personally slaughtering helpless victims.

Borno And Middle Belt

Even the mere retelling of just a tiny slice of the horror we have been through gives goose pimples. Now, we are being bombarded daily with even more horrendous stories of whole families dismembered and then incinerated in Benue and Plateau states by bands of terrorists who, in some cases, have since taken over the villages.

Governor Zulum of Borno State was almost reduced to tears the other day when he was calling for help. It was pathetic, more so because Zulum has been one of the more forthright and competent administrators among the current generation of governors. Horror has its limits. For Boko Haram to be knocking on the door of the state capital when we all but thought that those demons had been consigned to the bottomless pit, was galling.

Perhaps because of the trauma, and for want of better intellection-based solutions, Professor Zulum then went on to ban the sale of alcohol throughout the state. I would have thought that, as an academic, the governor would commission social scientists to help him establish the causative factors of the state of anomie so that appropriate actions could then be taken. I was therefore taken aback when the good professor simply announced the ban on alcohol.

I haven’t yet done a research on the subject but I suspect that irresponsible parenting which exposes children to homelessness, begging, narcotics and anti-social behaviours would feature prominently among the causative factors. The almajiri system provides a ready army for Boko Haram and other terrorist organisations using religion as a cover.

Truth be told, the traditional milieu in which parents can just abandon their children (some as young as three years old) to a mallam for religious training, does not belong to the 21st Century. Such impressionable children are gullible enough to be pumped with anti-social sentiments and queer religiosity which ties their candidacy for paradise to the number of skulls they harvest.

If the political elite want to end the odious almajiri system tomorrow, they can; but will they? If it’s a matter of political realignment or demanding more political appointments, the elite will show up in their resplendent voluminous robes. But which of them is looking out for the children of the poor?

Security Summit

The Senate has recently been wrestling with the idea of a national security summit to address the state of insecurity in the country. We have had several such summits in the past and they came to naught. We all know that talk-shops mean different things to different people: contract to the contractor, honorarium to the academic, photo-op to the politician, mudslinging latitude to party apparatchiks, visibility to the ambitious ‘in-coming’, etc.

There are many recommendations from past summits/conferences gathering dust in abandoned files in the federal and state government’s offices. Let’s task the relevant committees of the National Assembly, in collaboration with the security agencies to update what had been done in the past.

We don’t have all the time in the world, so we must treat this issue with the urgency it deserves, Already, the terrorists have retaken villages earlier seized from them by the army in the Northeast. They’re collecting taxes. They’re torching and renaming villages in the Middle Belt. They’re killing hunters and vigilante members in the Southwest. And, if social media revelations are anything to go by, hundreds of newly imported foreign fighters are massing around Kwara State with the aim of attacking the Southwest.

If their progression continues unchecked, who says they will not forcefully declare a republic someday soon? After all, their unmourned leader, Abubakar Shekau, once declared a caliphate.

What To Do

It is my considered opinion that we have to do the following urgently: The armed forces are overstretched and should be limited to the worst areas of insurgency and banditry in the Northeast and Middle Belt and selected strategic infrastructure (for example, oil installations in the creeks). The strategy of the savages is to open up many fronts of engagement to overstretch the elastic limits of the armed forces.

Relevant laws should be amended to allow hunters and vigilantes, under the supervision of the state police, to bear arms up to the calibre of AK 47, the favourite weapon of the vagabonds. If not, people in the rural areas will start acquiring their own superior weapons in a bid to counter the terrorists.

All states should establish their own police forces immediately. All states should also constitute vigilante groups for their villages under the supervision of the state police.

The diplomatic corps should be sensitised on the criminal activities of their nationals, e.g., Chinese cyber criminals exposed in Lagos.

To side-step traitors within the system and expose sponsors of terrorism, the federal government should contract an independent ‘digitracker’ to help expose how the ransom money of bandits is laundered between various accounts.

The federal government should release the list of terrorist sponsors identified by the UAE government.

Habemus Paparam

The declaration, “Habemus Papam” reminded me of my Latin classes in the days of yore. By the time the identity of the new pope was revealed, the announcement triggered shock waves around the world. Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost went into the second day of the papal conclave as a voter and came out as Pope Leo XIV.

A 1977 graduate of mathematics who later read Philosophy and bagged a doctorate in Theology, he is the first Augustinian friar and first American/Peruvian to become Pope. Augustinians embrace a lifestyle of poverty, travelling, and living in urban areas for purposes of preaching, evangelisation, and ministry, especially to the underprivileged. His motto indicates his spiritual egalitarianism: In illo uno unum -“In the One, we are One”. May his reign be impactful.

Those who couldn’t tolerate the late Pope Francis’ advocacy for the poor should hold their breath until they hear this new pope. What are Augustinians if not advocates for the poor?

The Tinubu presidency has shown utter disrespect for Nigerians. It is above all insensitive to the suffering and hardship of most Nigerians. Instead of rendering a sensible mid term account of its mandate, the administration is celebrating the onset of the 2027 presidential election race.  A clear two years to the end of its tenure, major political voices in the ruling party are already predicting a sweeping Tinubu re -election victory and his coronation as the king hereafter.

The administration has cornered public opinion and its vulnerable opponents into a mindset that the most urgent national challenge of the moment is the 2027 election. The central question of the polity is being recast as: who succeeds Tinubu? Of course, there is a truism that groundless optimism is the most common disease of political animals. Show me a politicians that is not optimistic of victory at the next election and I will point at a platoon of wise fools!

We are at the mid term of a tenure that promised Nigerians nearly every opposite of the Buhari interregnum. Mr. Buhari, easily the most disastrous leader of modern Nigeria before the Tinubu catastrophe, had run the nation literally aground before tenure expiration saved him from himself  and rescued the nation from what was clearly the world’s most tragic instance of bad governance. Mounting debts, incoherent policies, perennial absenteeism of the leader,  disastrous elocution, embarrassing aloofness and industrial scale corruption were the hallmarks of the Buhari era. In the history of Nigeria, never had a Central Bank Governor been charged with the magnitude of treasury looting as Buhari’s Godwin Emefiele.

Then came Tinubu on the wagon of one of the most disgraceful elections in national history. A mandate secured on a razor thin majority of less than 30% of registered voters ushered in what has so far turned out to be Nigeria’s most clueless dispensations. Tinubu promised nothing. He said little that any one found coherent. No one recalls making sense of his campaign gibberish, They said he promised to  right the wrongs of the Buhari era even though he was running on the same party ticket as his Daura friend. In all fairness, no one remembers what exactly Tinubu said he was going to do with power. His only mission was to pack into a rent free Aso Villa. But two years after, here we are with a presidency that has turned our lives into two years in purgatory. The only Nigerians who now harbor any hope of a reprieve from hell are the few partakers in the feast of pork and patronage in Abuja.

Nearly every indicator of hardship is on digital display in today’s Nigeria. The majority can ill afford the next meal. Hunger has emerged as a national epidemic for the first time in our history. Access to electric  power has shrunk to the extent that even the Presidential Lodge in Abuja can hardly afford to pay its power bills and now has to install a solar panel to save costs.

Insecurity  has enveloped the entire national space, compelling informed people to suggest that the Ministry of Defense should be scrapped and replaced with an omnibus  Ministry of  Internal Security as all available security infrastructure and personnel all over the country have been deployed to joint internal security operations with hardly any tangible results.

Bandits, kidnappers, serial abductors and sundry gun men and women rule the highways and streets while official security personnel have since been outgunned by non -state agents and vigilantes of unknown nomenclature. A supposedly modern Nigerian state with well funded armed forces and over decorated officers is now shamelessly enlisting the services of native hunters, medicine men and charmers to stave off the forces of insecurity across the land.

It is this myriad of afflictions and failures that threaten the existence of the Nigerian state. It is these threats to national existence and the integrity of the Nigerian state that those who voted in 2023 are demanding that Tinubu and his gang should account for. At this mid term hour, Nigerians are asking for affordable food, essential drugs, affordable building materials, access to affordable education in schools without leaky roofs and guarantee of basic safety in their daily lives. It is accountability for these pressing basic needs and problems that demand urgent attention as the Tinubu government marks two years in office. National political offices that were meant to go round and give us all a sense of belonging to one nation have been cornered into one corner of our commonwealth.

To ignore these basic needs of the people and shunt public attention to the 2027 succession political battle is the height of insincerity and political deceit. To jump from that fraud to speculation as to why Tinubu deserves a second term in office is worse than mass deceit. It can only be that the administration is investing more energy  in mass deceit and amnesia than the real grind of governance. The efforts of the government  seem to be geared more towards succession politics than real time governance on a daily basis.

The obstacle to this deceptive politics is perhaps the possibility of an opposition coalition to challenge the APC in 2027. To counter this obstacle, whatever fickle opposition there is in the political space is being squeezed into a survival mode. The Peoples Democratic Party and its mascot, Mr. Atiku Abubakar, have been reduced to an unsettled chaotic herd. No one knows which executive now runs the party as conflicting factions engage each other in either fisticuffs  or silly litigations in various courts across the land. Corrupt judges that have to adjudicate in these cases are having a ball with their bankers. The special squad of destabilisers led by the ubiquitous FCT Minister, Mr. Nyesom Wike, are having a busy time disorganising the PDP all over the country. If indeed the PDP survives between now and the eve of 2027, it will be a ghost of its former robust self.

The Tinubu taskforce on political ‘realignment’ is leaving nothing to chance. It recognises the potential danger posed by the Peter Obi–led Labour Party. An increasingly popular political movement led by a charismatic political ‘good man’ cannot be ignored. Obi’s Labour Party and its back-up Obidient Movement presented a veritable threat to Tinubu’s ascendancy in 2023. Therefore, two active factions of  demolishers are at work on the Labour Party.

One faction of thugs led by one Lamidi Apapa has been busy challenging both the legitimacy and very existence of the party in court. A slightly more targeted attack is being led from within by Mr. Abure who ordinarily would be the Chairman of the party. In a recent move, Mr. Abure and his fellow travellers have suspended a slew of high level party members including a senator and the only state governor on the ticket of the party, Mr. Alex Otti of Abia state.

Beyond these party based destabilization antics, the incumbent government and ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) has unleashed squads of recruiters all over the country who are busy attracting defectors and converts from other parties into the ruling party. So far, the results have been impressive. The most spectacular outcome has been recorded in Delta State where the incumbent governor and his immediate predecessor have defected to the APC. In addition, these political leaders decamped from the PDP with all their local government leaders. It is significant that Dr. Okowa, the immediate past governor of the state was also the vice presidential candidate of the PDP in the 2023 election. The Delta defection is therefore an arrow in the heart of the PDP in the strategic Niger Delta region.

There have been numerous other defections into the APC from other parties and political formations across the country. There is now a palpable fear in the political space that if the rate continues, the vast majority of politicians in the country would by the eve of the 2027 election be in the APC.

Fears have been expressed about the possibility of Nigeria ending up as a one-party democracy with other parties ending up as fringe minority parties. Former president Goodluck Jonathan has added his voice to those of opposition politicians like Atiku Abubakar in this regard. But some key opposition politicians have waved this possibility off, insisting that what is going on is the result of a political herd mentality.

Politicians are trooping to the ruling party where they think the bulk of patronage is flowing. Nigerian politics is principally about instant pork and patronage. Very few Nigerian politicians want to be left out in the cold of political wilderness.  The APC has deployed poverty to attract membership.

There is however an overriding political curiosity and worry about the gale of defections and mass migration into the APC in particular. At a time of grave national disquiet about worsening social and economic conditions throughout the country, it is curious that the mass of political followers should be tempted to join the very political party whose leadership has literally run the country aground. Clearly, there must be forces beyond naked political sentiments driving the entire movement.

The consequences are many and could be dire. An early start of campaigns for elections that are two years away  could lead to a vast dissipation of resources and political energy that would in fact make the fledgling opposition forces more attractive. The gathering of divergent political interests and tendencies in one inchoate ruling party could inject disequilibrium into the mechanism of the ruling party and lead to a pre-election implosion. A very large political party could prove difficult to manage and therefore come apart on its own weight.

This is not to under estimate the optimistic projections of Mr. Tinubu’s strategists and planners. On the more optimistic side, it is quite possible that what APC strategists are planning is for a 2027 race with little or no significant internal or external opposition movement. If most political voices were to be drowned inside one party, the choice of candidates, especially the presidential candidate, would be a serial ritual endorsement. In a more or less one party configuration, Mr. Tinubu would literally be returned unopposed as his party’s candidate at every party primary convention and be elected with minimal opposition. In line with that simplistic line of thought, Mr. Tinubu could head effortlessly to a coronation at Eagle Square.

There is a lazy trait in this line of thinking that conforms to Mr. Tinubu’s authoritarian mode of politics and leadership. He has railroaded the National Assembly into becoming a glorified rubber stamp conclave with literally no opposition on vital legislations like the reversion to the old National Anthem,  tax bills, successive national budgets etc.

More worrisomely, Mr. Tinubu has carried on more like an emperor than a democratically elected president. He identifies his interests in the system. He then gets people to convert these interests into legislative bills or projects. He then proceeds to procure a National Assembly rubber stamp or Executive Council approval. It is popularly speculated that each approval sought by the president has a price tag and once the transactional details are fine tuned, the road is clear either to railroad an unpopular legislation or the award of yet another Lagos to Calabar Alaskan highway contract.

The road to a second term coronation for the Tinubu presidency is however strewn with booby traps and political land mines. The assumption that all politically minded Nigerians will end up in the APC by the eve of 2027 is naïve and even a bit foolish. The vast majority of voting Nigerians will hardly become card carrying members of any party.

Irrespective of who is in the parties, the solid majority  of ordinary Nigerians remain the victims of the incompetence of this government. They are not about to join any parties and do not need to do so to reject an unpopular government at the polls. The greater the level of incompetence of the government, the higher their demand for voters cards and the greater their hunger to vote out the fraudulent bunch. We had a foretaste of this in 2023. The combined population of voters for both the Labour Party and the PDP overwhelmed the minority that voted for the APC.

It was the instrumentality of INEC’s dubious complicity and the division in the votes of the PDP and Labour Party that saved the APC thinly from deserved humiliation.

What is likely to abort the infantile projection of a Tinubu coronation in 2027 is therefore the continued rejection of the APC by the majority of the poor, deprived and angry Nigerians who do not care about formal party membership. The challenge of the next election is for INEC to expand its voter portal to accommodate all those who want to vote in 2027. And for the majority of Nigerians, the challenge of 2027 is not the mass migration of members into the APC. Party members are always a negligible variable in voter turnout. It is the mass of non- partisan voters that troop out to make their voice heard that matter most. They will decide who succeeds Tinubu, not the unthinking herd of “follow follow” party migrants.

Ultimately, then, the political destiny of the country still rests with the calibre of opposition coalition that the incompetence of the APC forces into existence. That opposition coalition must be everything that the APC has failed to be. We desire and deserve a credible, competent and coherent opposition with a clear national outlook. It must consist of persons of character with proven records. Above all else, we need a social democratic coalition that can carry the majority of Nigerians along a populist path to create and distribute Nigeria’s wealth for the good of all.

There was an outbreak of controversy recently over statements made by Mr Peter Obi, presidential candidate of the Labour Party in 2023, about Nigeria at an international forum. Speaking at the Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, the US, Obi compared poverty statistics in Nigeria to those of Vietnam and China. He said more people were getting poorer in Nigeria whereas the other countries had pulled millions of their citizens out of poverty. Obi said: “The question then is, what exactly did these countries do to be able to achieve the desired growth and development? That is where political leadership comes in. These nations, unlike Nigeria, have competent leadership.”

Many Nigerians kicked, pointing out that his statements at foreign events often paint the country in bad light. Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu of Lagos state angrily accused Obi of having a “disturbing pattern of behaviour” which “de-markets Nigeria” abroad. Sanwo-Olu said: “Obi made unflattering remarks not just about the incumbent Nigerian government, but also about Nigeria. I also find Mr. Obi’s pattern of behaviour disturbing. When prominent Nigerians go overseas, they ought to project Nigeria positively. They do not have to do that for the government. But we all owe a duty to market Nigeria on the global stage rather than de-market her. That is what true patriotism is about.”

Sanwo-Olu accused Obi of contributing to the poverty problem, adding: “I find it somewhat ironic that a man like Mr. Obi, who did not build a single school or a stand-alone hospital throughout his eight-year tenure as governor of Anambra, or sustainably provide credit facilities, would criticise the government of Nigeria which is actively doing that.” Obi has defended himself, maintaining that he was only telling the hard truth about Nigeria. “World Bank has just shown that 75% of Nigerians in rural areas are poor. Is World Bank demarketing Nigeria?” he fired back. Obi also pointed to UNICEF’s statistics which say Nigeria has the second-highest number of malnourished children in the world.

Interestingly, I very much understand Obi’s position as well as Sanwo-Olu’s reaction. I have a story to tell. While I was studying for a master’s degree at the University of Sussex in the UK in 2005, I had experiences that challenged my takes on Nigeria. My classmates were from all over the world — Ghana, Kenya, Mexico, Argentina, Italy, India, Estonia, the US, Japan and Azerbaijan. Holding seminars with students and teachers who had different worldviews and reading assorted academic essays by authors who had conflicting positions broadened my horizon and made me conclude that the world is actually not as simple as black and white. We tend to ignore grey and its many shades.

My first challenge was: how do I present my country to the world truthfully and wisely? Should I deceive myself by lying that everything was going well and we were on the right track? Should I tell the “hard truth” by washing our linen before foreigners, thereby further reinforcing the global cynicism about Nigeria? As time went by, I realised that my classmates, including the ones from other African countries, were discussing issues about their own countries with tact and optimism. They hardly uttered bad words about their countries even when we know they had serious challenges common to developing countries. They discussed their countries frankly but positively. I was amazed.

Until then, I had taken pride in highlighting all the bad things about Nigeria, particularly how corruption was stalling our development — all in an attempt to be “honest”. In fact, when I was about to choose a topic for my dissertation, my suggested topics revolved around corruption in Nigeria, but my supervisor, Professor Mick Moore, nudged me to write on something less sceptical, something that would contribute to the discourse on governance and development in my country. I came up with a proposal to do a research on informal sector taxation, with Lagos state as my case study. I got support from the Centre for the Study of the Future State, of which he was the director.

I had had a somewhat embarrassing experience during one of the seminars when I took a course on management of public finance. I was asked to make a presentation on tax reforms in Nigeria. The course conveyor was Charles Harvey, a professor of economics who had worked extensively in Africa. He helped in setting up Botswana’s central bank in 1975 and also lectured at the University of Botswana. He had enormous knowledge about Africa, having also worked in Zambia and Burkina Faso during his 30-year sojourn on the continent. I presented a case study of the reforms at the Federal Inland Revenue Service (FIRS), then led by Mrs Ifueko Omoigui. I thought I did a decent job.

But after all my sweat, Harvey announced: “Your problem in Nigeria is corruption. You have no reason to be where you are.” Should I say he was lying, especially when I had just received a text message from home informing me of the sharing of N50 million bribes at the National Assembly to get support for President Olusegun Obasanjo’s third term bid? In my weekly column, I myself had often been writing about corruption. I went mute, unable to decide the answer to give Harvey. He went further: “Is it true that your crude oil is stolen every day in connivance with government officials?” Should I say yes? Should I say no? I tried to play safe by saying: “It’s not impossible.”

I went away feeling like a hypocrite. There was nothing Harvey said about Nigeria that was a lie. But having seen how my colleagues were not badmouthing their own countries to prove that they knew how to speak the truth, I was beginning to recoil into my shell and was becoming more circumspect about the things I said about my country before foreigners. I realised along the line that if foreigners want to hear the most negative things about Nigeria, it is Nigerians themselves that will tell them. They don’t need to go asking Ghanaians or Kenyans. On our own, we will download everything, even more than they asked for. Anytime I read Wikileaks on the US cables concerning Nigeria, I cringe.

Our own Eedris AbdulKareem sang “Nigeria jagajaga” to speak “the hard truth” about his country (and I did not detect any lie in that song). King Yellowman, the legendary Jamaican reggae DJ, sang: “Jamaica nice! Jamaica nice! Jamaica nice!” Bob Marley sang lovingly about Trench Town. Peter Tosh reminisced adoringly about Westmoreland. Till today, Jamaicans sing about their country’s beautiful beaches and lovely islands. As a teenager, I longed to travel to Jamaica and even wanted to live there based on these songs. It was much later I realised Jamaica was also in the grip of poverty, drug abuse, gun violence and political turmoil — some morbidities you find in many developing countries. 

While I was still struggling with how to present my country to foreigners during my time at the Institute of Development Studies (IDS) at the University of Sussex, I attended a one-day conference at the Said Business School, University of Oxford, in May 2006. It was put together by Oxford Entrepreneurs. The first session I attended was addressed by Mr Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede, then MD of Access Bank Plc. He spoke on the topic: “From Ideas to Profits — An Investors’ Guide to Africa”. He narrated how his team bought the bank and transformed it in just four years. This, he said, was an indication of what the African economy had to offer to those with the ideas and the right attitude.

What I found quite interesting in Aig-Imoukhuede’s presentation was that he took time to highlight Africa’s problems. He did not shy away from facing the truth. He listed the problems associated with the legal system, financial system, economic and social indicators, political stability, infrastructure, human capital and bureaucracy. At a stage, I was like: “Isn’t this guy discouraging investors?” But he was obviously setting the stage for how to transform the problems to prospects and prosperity. These same problems actually offer opportunities for the world to invest. He listed fertile areas for investment as infrastructure, agribusiness, telecoms, tourism, finance and natural resources.

“Africa, with a population of 800 million people, is the second largest continent,” he elucidated. “There is growing demand and limited competition. It is an emerging market, far from mature. Africa is a virgin market. It is untapped. Currently, only about 1% of the private capital in the world is invested in sub-Saharan Africa, yet African markets easily outperformed the world averages last year and over the past three years. Africa currently offers the highest returns on foreign direct investment of any region in the world and African stock markets have soundly outperformed the S&P 500 in last four years. Egypt topped the global table. Ghana’s stock market was the world’s third-best in 2005.”

Aig eventually narrowed down to Nigeria, citing the telecoms sector as a clear evidence of the “hungry” nature of African market. “Nigeria has witnessed tremendous growth in tele-density from about one million GSM subscribers in 2001 to about 22 million by December 2005. MTN is Africa’s (Sub-Sahara) fastest growing telco with nine million subscribers in four years. IBTC Equity Fund is Nigeria’s largest and most successful mutual fund with over 163% returns since 1999. Citibank Nigeria is most profitable Citigroup franchise in Africa. It accounts for 20% of Citigroup’s Africa operation,” he said. He ended his presentation with a battle cry: ignore Africa at your own peril!

As I boarded the train on the three-hour journey from Oxford back to Brighton, I was a happy man. I had finally found a way out of my dilemma. I felt I could now talk about Nigeria without being apologetic or deceptive. I wouldn’t pretend that there are no problems. We have plenty problems. Embarrassing problems. But I would also not be so negative as not to talk about our little progress and the plenty opportunities that abound. Indian, Lebanese and Chinese entrepreneurs are all over Nigeria exploring opportunities and making billions. This same country. Truly, we cannot all see Nigeria the same way. But my conclusion remains that the world is not always either black or white.

AND FOUR OTHER THINGS…

FIRST OF ALL

The federal government has, once again, launched the “Nigeria First” initiative, making it compulsory for MDAs to prioritise locally made goods and services in all government procurements. It is only what is not locally produced that can be sourced abroad. If it works, it should improve local capacity, output and job creation. Virtually every administration launches “Nigeria First” in one form or the other and makes good noise about it before it peters out right before our eyes. I don’t want to be negative about this, so I would just advise that, for a start, government officials should start flying Air Peace — instead of British Airways and Virgin Atlantic — to London. Am I communicating? Simple.

RENT POLICE

Kogi state has joined Lagos in the rent control craze. The Kogi house of assembly is working on a bill to establish a rent control board and set up a rent control task force to enforce standard rates and compliance across the state. As I wrote last week, our lawmakers (and policymakers) often define an issue by the “solutions” they already have in their heads. They avoid sequential analysis of a knotty problem and bypass the rigorous thinking needed to solve it. The rent situation in Nigeria today is a result of the housing deficit and the fallen naira which affects landlords and tenants alike. Rent controls will only encourage willing landlords and willing tenants to trade in the dark. Inevitable. 

PINCH OF SALT

Pastor Chris Oyakhilome, founder of Loveworld Incorporated (you know it as Christ Embassy), is a globally renowned conspiracy theorist, hitting the height five years ago when he linked 5G technology to COVID-19. He has manufactured a new one: that Africans are being asked to avoid salt so that they would buy sodium-infused drugs. He asked his church members to “eat more salt”. In fact, nobody said Africans should not eat salt — the instruction is to eat less. Too much salt has been scientifically proven to be injurious to cardiovascular health and is implicated in high blood pressure, stroke and kidney failure. Fellow Africans, please proceed with sense. God will not shame us. Amen?

NO COMMENT

Mrs Ify Obinabo, the Anambra commissioner for women and social welfare, has raised the alarm over a prolific 18-year-old apprentice who has impregnated 10 girls (women?) in the last five months. He is so deft at this thing that his roll call includes the daughter of his boss. This earned him instant dismissal but did not end his promising career as he returned to his village to continue his mission, impregnating eight more girls in three months. This is no mean feat by global standards. At this rate, he will have fathered 84 more children by the time he’s 25. On a serious note, though, are we sure the young man is not targeting a place in the Guinness World Records? Impreg-a-thon. Hahahaha.

Do you still remember the story of my friend who said he loves women with big breasts? Each time a woman with full frontal endowment passed, he smacked his lips. He will not date a woman with less than 34DD specification. He can 'manage' if her southern region is not rich or even outright flat. As long as there is something full to cushion his stress after a long hard day. But his wife, yes, the Madam of the house, is almost flat-chested. Yet my friend is married, happily married. In fact, his wife is in charge of his businesses. The 38F or 36FF specs are for his side chics, not his wife. Madam is allowed to be barely breasted but when my friend wants the big big things, he knows where to go. 

Like he once confided in me, ‘Funke, you know my wife is my life, my everything. She is my prayer warrior, my prophetess and my spiritual mother. She is my pillar and she has always been more than just a  body since I knew her. Yes I love big breasts but what she means to me is way more than a curvy body. 

They say it is women that are difficult to understand but this my friend, like many men leave me confused many times. So he married a pillar of support but keeps a  harem of big-breasted side chics to satisfy his fantasy. There are also men which no matter how beautiful a woman is, if she cannot cook, they are put off. You will be shocked at the numbers of rich men who now eat meals prepared by chefs but actually married their wives for their cooking prowess. Maybe they did not know they will be rich eventually or their future lifestyles would include French and Spanish cuisine.  Their number one criteria when they were shopping for a wife 25 years ago is ‘she must be able to cook or else there is no deal’. 

There are men who love big backside. The rounder the better. Just sway and roll it in front of them and they will forget all the great manners their Momma taught them. Some men will do anything to date or bed a fair skinned woman, and those ones are many. Isn’t that the major reasons why too many women are bleaching even at deathly risks of their organs and future? Come to think of it, Brazilian Butt Lift (BBL), breast enlargement, tummy tuck, etc, are they not the handiwork or brain children of men to make or remake women into images that work for them? Women, we have suffered, right? We bleach for them, go under the knife to please them, change our ambition even to make men happy. Is something wrong with women or what? Then, the crux of the matter for today is, is it wrong for a woman to insist on marrying a man who has money?

‘I cannot marry a poor man’

‘He has to have some money’

‘I cannot marry a man who is a beginner. ’

‘He must be able to provide me a certain level of comfort’

‘I cannot even date a man who does not have a car. ’ 

This is the point where most men’s eyes are shooting daggers at this space. I can hear them. 

‘Materialistic women’

‘Selfish Delilahs’

‘Does her own  father have a car?'

‘Bloody gold diggers’

So what is wrong with a woman being a gold digger? What is she expected to be digging for, dust? The man who screens women for everything,  from cooking skills, humility traits to sexual compatibilities, what are those ones digging for? Clay? 

Why should a man have a marriage shopping list but a woman can’t? Come on guys, is that what you are teaching your sisters and daughters ? That they should not have criteria and benchmarks? How is the marriage institution supposed to survive and thrive if we are all pretending to be living in the 19th century? Why should a woman from whom the society expects so much from expected not to have expectations, goals,   for marriage and the kind of man she wants to spend the rest of her life with? Why does the society want her to pretend to be what she’s not? 

It’s okay for a man to want his bride to be beautiful and brilliant. She’s expected to be humble and a goal getter. She should be a woman who will support him when things get tough, pay the bill when he’s down and be a caring carer when he’s sick. But the woman cannot have marital ambitions and goals?

It is unfair really.  If a woman is going to be everything the society prescribes, to ask for just one thing,  one simple thing: that the man be not a poor man,  is only fair.  

--------

Re- 21 ejaculations per month, as how? 

Egbemode's question and answer was very instructive and succinctly dissected. Same question has been on my lips and many like mind. Thank God, her assertion from different angles will lay to rest those for and against especially  some males with excessive sexual drive and female folks affected by nymphomania syndrome rooting for it and justifying their position based on numerous bloggers and  YouTube doctors' recommendations without consideration of what becomes of a man thereafter.

It may interest us to know that some creatures had sex only once in a lifetime.  They  do so only when they are ready to give up the ghost, a supreme heavy price to pay for such pleasure which is death. But still for procreation to take place for their generation to continue it's compulsory they pay the price anyway. That's the world of Praying Mantis.

I wonder what would become of a man if we had to live the life of Mantis.

- Mr S. Aize 

Lagos