Mallam, the stormy petrel. Your political opponents always mischaracterise you. They think you are an integrity-challenged diminutive charlatan. They say you are a cunning opportunist who is so unscrupulous you can misuse religion for personal political gains while mouthing ‘global best practices’. Perhaps a venomous chameleon.

But despite your warts and gaffes and their enthusiastic animosity, I think you possess an intelligence that can be used positively for national planning. The only challenge, Mallam, is whether you can find sufficient selflessness to assume true and circumspect statesmanship. To live what you preach and have an underbelly that the public can scrutinise day and night. 

Mallam, many admire you. And that love is not accidental like your sojourn in the civil service. You have a meticulous brain. You are bold. You were ruthless in sanitising Abuja. You didn’t allow it to become Lekki. You once came to Lagos and spoke truth to power and warned us about godfatherism as Wike did. You didn’t seem envious of Tinubu’s political dynasty. You said godfatherism and the concomitant erosion of internal party democracy were ruinous.

You spoke out loud. But those who call you a slimy hypocrite point out that once you got the opportunity in Kaduna, you tried to install your own brand of righteous godfatherism. To all, you come across as a serious man. But sometimes, you act in ways that make people call you a blooming Pharisee. I don’t like people throwing these  innuendos, suggesting that you are short in many aspects:  integrity, temper, humility, etc

Shehu Sani was your senator. Once he started demanding accountability, he became your enemy. You literally retired him from politics. Many think you are intelligent but intolerant and vindictive. Your critics are many. They say you are a religious bigot who abdicated leadership, took sides, and worsened the ethnic conflict in Kaduna. I don’t believe them. Perhaps they have not forgotten the Mary Magdalene joke. Others now say when you tried to pull down Tinubu out of envy and failing, you shamelessly joined him.

They say Tinubu saw through your manipulative obsequiousness, which was why he teased you with a ministerial appointment before shamelessly messing you up. They say it was you, a religious chauvinist, who even taught Tinubu Muslim-Muslim pairing to upset a settled convention. They say they are happy that karma, the lousy bitch, has settled on you, using your godson to portray you as a gluttonous clown while the other man enjoys his Lagos like a lollipop.

Mallam, I don’t know if I should tell you this. I know you kneel for elder statesmen as a mark of respect. But your opponents say it’s fake self-serving humility contrived to fool these men whose political blessings you crave and the public. These fault finders are a menace. They say you grovel and bootlick to service your ambition, but you don’t kneel to speak to other poor old folks like your party chairman, Ganduje.  

Mallam, seriously, how did you choose that Uba Sani? Please don’t tell me a Governor’s Advisory Committee did. You are more honest than that. The other Sani might have been uncontrollable, but seeing how he prostrates before Tinubu and writes deodorising poetry for him, he might have been better than Uba. How could you, with your foresight, not have foreseen what we are seeing? I hope you didn’t treat him contemptuously as Wike did to Fubara, whom he treated worse than a houseboy. I hope your arrogance didn’t impinge on his scrotum.

He has left your reputation in tatters. The House of Assembly had the temerity to probe the loans you collected. You know, our people say any finger that goes into the anus must find shit. However, remain courageous. God will not allow them to shame you. But how could a brilliant man like you commit such a cheap mistake? Or were you misled by marabouts? Look at ordinary Yahaya Bello. How couldn’t you find your own Ododo?

This Uba Sani man was the same man for whom you deviated from civility and mobilised some clerics to help use religion to win the elections after it was declared inconclusive, not so? How ungrateful. You literally messed in your pants while pushing this man across the finish line in an election many believe the PDP indeed won. You soiled your integrity for him. You lost some claim to sanctimoniousness, too. Mallam, how couldn’t you find a simple Ododo? Anyway, no shaking. Let the EFCC and ICPC do their worst. Fortunately, they no longer have any balls. 

Mallam, you stole the show at that conference. You rattled Tinubu and the federal government big time. You hit the nail on the head. And you didn’t even mention how the president is yorubanizing the country. I know you are keeping that for later. You will tell your people how they voted for him and how he has pushed the North aside and fixed the Yoruba in all critical positions. Shettima can’t dare defend that. I know you will come to that one day and scatter the shaky Emilokan table.

I like how you reminded them that the APC you helped found has forgotten that it came to Change the country and kill corruption. In your words, the party has lost its soul and become unrecognisable. And that’s the hard truth. The APC came to the Nigerian street like a preacher but it’s now running a bar and brothel at one end of the street. It’s absolutely unrecognisable. Now, it casually frolics with corruption, and its government boldly awards multi-trillion naira contracts without due process. 

But Mallam, the reason many neutrals no longer take you as seriously as they used to do is that you saw the castration of the EFCC under Buhari. And you didn’t say a thing. You saw bandits overrun the country with Buhari as commander-in-chief. You saw them.  You might not have seen the coming of Tinubu but you did adjust your position swiftly to benefit from him. Then, you went to court to fight the currency thing. Before then, you were at Chatham House.

You saw the elections and justified all the shenanigans. You were there at the 2023 ministerial confirmation hearing, feeling blessed and oblivious to the ambush. Mallam, many neutrals think your earnestness at the recent conference was contrived. If  Tinubu and company hadn’t deemed you a security threat, you would have been in this bloated cabinet, which you now think is filled with junk. But I like that you didn’t storm out of the country to pursue the PhD. The opposition needs who can bark and bite. The opposition needs sanctimonious people who can pretend to be righteous. The opposition needs people who can match the wiles of religious fundamentalists of all hues. 

It’s good you spoke about the destruction of the opposition parties. You didn’t mince words. This disingenuous method of planting moles to undermine multi-party democracy didn’t start today. It has put many African democracies in a coma. It’s good you pointed out that it could lead to mass apathy. You gave them the figures. It’s not important whether you did it because you want to use this new coalition to return to political relevance. The selfish motives are not important. They already know you are a cunning man. The important thing is that the country needs a new virile opposition party. The existing opposition parties have been infected. A broad electable platform that can steer the country towards rectitude is badly needed 

To that extent, you and your Compatriots must seek repentance publicly. You might not name and number your sins and their consequences publicly. But you all must do it privately and collectively. After that, you must collectively declare a departure from the old ways. This country requires a new political culture, not a new set of selfish and Prebendal leaders. As you stood for power shift to the south, you must insist that your group chooses the most inspiring and electable leader. The country needs transformative leadership. The reformed opposition’s new leader must lead by personal examples and with an eye for big ideas. 

Mallam El Rufai, some have said Tinubu might offer you a juicy carrot. Others have said you are so arrogant you can’t appreciate your shortcomings. The coming months will tell. Many believe you are one of the smart few. Time will tell if you are now jockeying for yourself or your country.