REUBEN'S VIEWS
As someone who has been in that corridor recently, I do not share the view of those who insist that President Muhammadu Buhari’s recent 50-day medical vacation was mismanaged by his handlers, up to this point. I said this much during a recent interview on Channels TV’s Politics Today with Seun Okinbaloye.
In the face of the people’s rising and insatiable expectations, it is often an uphill task to balance so many considerations in a country that is so divided on all fronts. The duty of the President’s handlers is to prevent such unnecessary news that could destabilize the polity, or create a national security crisis.
The President occupies the most important office in a democracy such as ours because the people look up to that office and its occupier for strength, inspiration and confidence. When a President suddenly takes ill, the implications for politics, power play and national security are far-reaching. I have already dealt with the manner in which this is so, in an earlier article online, titled “From London to Abuja in 50 days: Buhari’s return”.
What is the general complaint? It is this: that the nature and the seriousness of whatever ails the President is deliberately shielded from the public. This has resulted in a lot of speculations, and anxiety. A Professor of Medicine, Femi Williams, became so concerned he began to diagnose the President’s ailment by just looking at commonplace photographs. His latest contribution is that looking at the President since he arrived, he seems to be suffering from anaemia.
I don’t know what branch of medicine allows professional doctors to do diagnosis based on ordinary photographs, but Professor Williams’ interest in the matter reflects the manner in which the general populace is curious about the health of the President. This can also be traced to the President Umaru Yar’Adua experience, who died long after the Presidency had kept the people in the dark and refused to respect Constitutional obligations - the outcome of which was a national crisis.
The people have the right to be inquisitive, but one of the things I learnt as Presidential Spokesperson interfacing with our country’s security agencies and agents (that is another complex and professional territory) is that there is a sharp line between the right to know and the need to know. As someone who needed information, I always insisted on the right to know, but the intelligence community on many occasions drew the blankets, and spoke about the need to know. Their argument as I understand it is that if the people are allowed to know everything then the state would be jeopardized, and national security subverted, but the grey boundary is this: whose security is more important in the long run, the people’s security or the security of power?
It would seem that if President Buhari’s handlers have committed any sin, it is that they were more concerned about the security of power and office. But I argued on Channels TV that this is nothing unusual, and has been the case in other jurisdictions in Europe and the United States. The most celebrated example is that of President Grover Cleveland of the United States, a case study on Presidential illness and the politics of power that is well reported in a book tilted “The President is A Sick Man” by Matthew Algeo. Cleveland, the 22nd and the 24th President of the United States, was one of the most popular politicians of his time. He was an orator who knew how to get the crowds excited. When he returned to power for a second time in 1893, he was regarded as a messiah of sorts.
He boasted about getting America out of recession, the first recession in American history, and setting the economy on a good path. He also boasted about dealing with corruption. He would fight corruption and run a transparent government! The people cheered. But then one morning, Cleveland discovered a swelling on the roof of his mouth. It got worse. It was diagnosed as cancer. He had just taken over power. Everyone looked up to him to do the magic. It was politically inexpedient to tell the public that Cleveland was down with cancer. But the cancer was benign. But the public could not even be so informed.
Cancer was a plague in those days as it is now. To undergo surgery, Cleveland’s handlers sold a dummy to the public that he was going on a vacation cruise, on a friend’s yacht for six days. A team of surgeons was put together and they performed the miracle of removing Cleveland’s cancer in 90 minutes while the yacht cruised on high seas. So important was power and Presidential appearance that they had to ensure the President’s trademark moustache was not tampered with in any way. The President returned. Nobody knew what actually happened while he was on a cruise. He wasn’t seen in public for 4 weeks.
But as in Nigeria, people talk, human beings are human beings, so the story leaked and one journalist E. J. Edwards leaked the story. The White House descended on him. He was dismissed as a writer of “fake news,” and a “disgrace to American journalism.” The truth came out about 12 years later, long after Cleveland was no longer President.
Several American Presidents died in office due to ill-health. William Harrison, of pneumonia, Zachary Taylor of cholera, Franklin Delano Roosevelt of heart disease, George Washington served two terms struggling with malaria, smallpox, tuberculosis, dysentery, before finally succumbing to epiglottitis. In 1919, Woodrow Wilson had stroke for the remaining part of his presidency. The left side of his body was paralyzed, he was blind in his left eye, and was bedridden for two years. By 1920, he had lost his memory and mental health. His wife, Edith Wilson took charge and all of that was hidden from the public.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt ran for President in 1932 on a wheelchair, which was conveniently downplayed by the press. By the time he ran for a fourth time in 1944, he had heart disease. Harry Truman, his Vice President didn’t see him for a whole year! Calvin Coolidge was known as the do-nothing President. After the death of his son, Calvin Jnr., he lost interest in the affairs of state and slept for 11 hours a day! In 1955, Dwight Eisenhower had a heart attack, an abdominal operation in 1956, and a stroke in 1957.
John F. Kennedy took steroids twice a day to treat Addison’s disease. Bob Woodward reports in his book, Veil, that after the 1981 assassination attempt, Ronald Reagan was only alert for one hour a day! George W. Bush transferred power to Dick Cheney twice to undergo colonoscopy surgeries. In France, in 1981, Francois Mitterrand, who had promised that he would run “an open Presidency”, suddenly discovered that he had prostate cancer, which had already spread to his bones. He called his doctor aside and told him, this must be treated as “state secret”. He spent the rest of his Presidency battling with prostate cancer.
Far from justifying Presidential illness, the salient point is that Presidents are human beings and their immune systems can also fail, but the politics of managing Presidential illness wherever has always been a matter of optics and power. Every President wants to be loved by his people. No President imagines that he would occupy the highest office in the land and be disliked by the same people who voted him into office. Many Presidents even consider themselves supermen, and even when they are ill, they still want to be loved.
Human beings can fall ill at any time, but the lesson of the Yar’Adua experience and now, Buhari’s, whose medical condition had been long announced by the PDP during the campaigns, teaches us that the medical condition of every aspiring public office holder should now and in the future be given special attention.
I stand by the point that President Buhari’s spin-doctors however did the best they could. They managed the optics: telephone calls, high profile visits. And when they saw power was beginning to shift base, they brought him back. Since his return, they have managed the optics even better. On Monday, he resumed in his office, informed the National Assembly and met with his Vice President who had acted while he was away. No one should be under any doubt that the people who manage the President would allow him to be projected as sick and incapacitated.
I recall a day in London. President Goodluck Jonathan suddenly had a stomach upset and he had to be rushed to the hospital. I was part of his Main Body, that is what we were called, that special team that he never travelled or went anywhere without and I am grateful for that special privilege.
I was summoned shortly after to join him in the hospital because he wanted to issue a statement to inform Nigerians that he was indisposed and had been hospitalized. When I got to the hospital, I was received by a team of powerful players who delivered Oga’s message at the reception and asked me to do a draft there and then for all of us to consider and approve.
After preparing the statement, I insisted on seeing the President for approval. They told me the doctors were busy with him and they wanted him to rest. I protested that I could not issue a statement without his direct approval. They told me not to worry that this was an emergency situation, and I could see the President later. It was a short, harmless statement, informing Nigerians that the President was indisposed but it was nothing to worry about.
About an hour later, I went up to see the President. First, he asked why I didn’t come up to see him to issue the statement he wanted. I told him I already did so, because I had been told what he wanted me to say. He asked to see a copy of the statement I issued. I handed it over. He read it. He was upset.
“This press release does not disclose that I am here just because of a stomach upset. You have to tell the people what the exact ailment is to prevent any speculation. If you don’t state it as it is, you will allow people to start guessing.”
The powerful players who told me what the President wanted and that it was an emergency were by my side. I just muttered: “Sorry sir.”
“Anytime I am ill, just tell Nigerians what exactly is wrong with me. That is why I sent for you. Nobody knows tomorrow, but whatever is related to my health as President, you must inform Nigerians fully.”
When President Jonathan is interested in a conversation with you, he will look directly into your eyes. But the moment he looks away and starts fidgeting or he is busy trying to attend to something else, it means he has dismissed you. I got the message. “Sorry sir”. I left his bedside.
The people who talked to me, followed me. One of them said:
“Abati, don’t worry yourself, that is a very good statement. Don’t mind him. He wants you to tell Nigerians that he has stomach upset. Before you know it now, the papers tomorrow will report that the President has lost the stomach for the job, and our enemies will start using that against us.”
The job of a Presidential spokesman is definitely the second most difficult job in the Presidency. We were told for 50 days that President Buhari was hale and hearty, but he came back and said: “I have never been so sick!” He also gave the impression that his treatment is still inconclusive.
The cities of Daura -President Muhammadu Buhari’s home town, Kano - his political base, and Kaduna -where he has a home, and where the aircraft that brought him from London landed early Friday, March 10, as well as other parts of the North saw the people trooping out to jubilate and thank God for his safe return.
I noticed that there was no such jubilation in the entire South West, the East, the Middle Belt and the South South. This is understandable.
Too many cynics and mischief-makers in these other parts of the country had expected the worst and they had been busy promoting the Acting President Yemi Osinbajo as a better man in the President’s seat.
The manner in which President Buhari’s absence from the country seemed to have divided the country emotionally is perhaps one of the saddest outcomes of that experience. It was the longest period any sitting President in Nigeria would stay away from office. But the really sad news is that it again projected the ethnic differences within the country.
The fact that Buhari’s absence was due to illness raised anxieties on all fronts about the economy and the country’s political prospects. Whereas President Buhari had dutifully and lawfully excused himself and delegated power to Vice President Yemi Osinbajo who became Acting President, this created fresh and troubling problems on the political front. Mischief-makers began to promote Osinbajo: comments appeared in the social and traditional media, praising every step he took while his boss was away.
Meanwhile, his boss received more bashing than was the case at any other time since he assumed office. Whoever managed or instigated that mischievous media messaging process did Osinbajo a bad turn. One of the golden rules of power is this: Never outshine the master! It is in fact the first law of power.
While Buhari was away, Osinbajo did, wittingly or unwittingly, and how serious that was became obvious when a Buhari aide had to inform Nigerians that there is a single Presidency and that Osinbajo, as Acting President took instructions from his boss in London. It was a sorry moment, with the President’s men trying to pull back the Acting President’s men, and struggling so hard to preserve the President’s image and hold on to power.
This is why Sai Baba’s return is a game changer, and it probably explains why his kinsmen trooped onto the streets in joy. I wouldn’t know if he has returned against doctor’s advice, but we all know that he may still have to go to back to London for further tests as he himself has announced in a statement, but coming back at this time is a deft political move.
Things were beginning to get so bad, power was beginning to slip out of Buhari’s hands. As the Osinbajo persona gained traction, Buhari’s ratings further nosedived. When Buhari arrived this morning, he changed the narrative. And watch every step that he took: he met with the Executive Council of the Federation: a smart way of re-asserting control. He shook hands with some Governors.
He also issued a statement, which he personally signed. Within a few hours of his return, he took steps that left no one in doubt that he intends to remain in charge. I have seen power-game upfront at the highest level. Nobody should be deceived.
If there is any cabal in that Aso Villa at this time, its members must be walking with a special bounce. There was even a smiling competition among Buhari’s men in the Villa today. Look at the photos. Some people smiled so much if their teeth had fallen off in the process, they would have gladly attributed it to occupational hazard.
One of the laws of power is that you don’t take power and then allow other people to seize the advantages. Buhari’s return has served one strong purpose: to hold power and keep it where it belongs. But in another strategic move, the man of power has made it clear that his Vice President will continue to act while he recuperates. That is brilliant: Looks like these guys in the Villa are beginning to learn how to play chess.
With Buhari inside the Villa, even for just two weeks, before he returns to London if he does, he would have enough time to change the calculus of power, including the traffic that may have built up in another direction in his absence.
But Sai Baba don spoil business for prayer warriors oh! I am actually wondering why I did not listen to those friends who advised that we should also organize a get-well prayer session for Buhari. You know-you get-you-understand what I mean…that kind of prayer session that is an investment, with a well-thought-out proposal. You get sponsors, make some money on God’s behalf, publicise the prayer programme so well every important Government official will notice.
I thought this was thoroughly opportunistic, making money and enjoying privileges off another man’s illness! But may be when Baba goes back to London, I will weigh the options differently. More so as I can see with my own eyes that those prayers may have worked.
Buhari’s return, in this heavily spiritual country, is probably clear evidence that God answers prayers! And let us not blame those who think so, because there are indeed people in this same country who wanted Sai Baba to remain in medical exile. But at least, now that the President is back, the prayer investors and their notice-me sponsors and those whose political careers depended on the-President-phoned-me-from-London moments will get off our back.
President Buhari has told everyone who may be planning a trip to Aso Villa on a welcome-back visit to please stay off. Hi-an! Thank you, sir. Let people stay where they are, I beg, and do their work instead of trooping to Aso Villa to do eye service. And nobody should send gifts: in our tradition, when a man is recuperating, it is normal to send packs of tea (and Baba likes his tea!), cartons of milk and fruit juice and biscuits, to ease the recuperation process. I beg make una keep una tea, and other Greek gifts, Baba no want. And I think people should be told not to place any adverts in the newspapers welcoming President Buhari back to Nigeria.
The man I sympathise with is Professor Yemi Osinbajo. He will now have to tone down, roll back and generally stay in the shadows, even with his boss saying he can carry on while he is still recuperating. How can he carry on when the boss is back and on his feet? Can he possibly bear the title of Acting President when the President is back in the Villa? He and his team would have to do a quick re-set, both inside the Villa and in the media. Right now, I do not envy them…as they manage the banana peels of power.
And now that President Buhari is back, it would be most appropriate to draw his attention to many things that happened in his absence. Baba, while you were away…some Ministers were busy making noise, some Nigerians were busy wailing, some of them said you…you… the recession got worse, the Naira effectively became a yo-yo, one actress left her husband and started grumbling about STD, one house-boy in Big Brother Naija tried to get fresh with TBoss and got booted out, there was two- fighting in the PDP…
No, I think I should let you enjoy your first day back home in 50 days. Here is a Yoruba song, which the wailers of the South West refused to sing to welcome you back. Enjoy it:
Kabo o o, kaa-aa-bo.
Kaaabo ooo, kaabo
Sai baba to t’ajo de o,
Kaa bo o
Baba wa to t’ajo de o, kaabo
I conclude: The fire next time…
This is about Stephen Nyitse, the young man who on the day of the coronation of the new Tor Tiv managed to beat security and went straight to where the king’s coronation seat, stool, throne had been placed and sat on it. We are told this caused a stir, and not a few in the crowd must have shouted: “abomination!”.
Even the President of the Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria, Benue branch, Bishop Mike Angou considered Nyitse’s action sacrilegious. He went to the seat, to anoint and rededicate it. Bishop Angou’s intervention obviously was meant to cast out whatever demons Nyitse must have inflicted on the already consecrated kingship throne.
It is possible also that the ordinary people in attendance and the chiefs of Tivland interpreted it as a bad omen. Africans including the educated live in a world of spirits, demons and magic. Every act or gesture among them, is considered spiritual or religious.
The other side of it has to do with social hierarchy and customs. Our social life is heavily stratified. People are expected to know their place. Young persons are not supposed to disrespect or question elders. Wisdom is necessarily attached to old age, even if that is definitely untrue. Women are expected to submit to men, and that remains the case for all women in many of our communities. The poor are expected to worship the rich. Employees are expected to be loyal obedient servants.
This is the content of our socialization in traditional communities, during the colonial period and even long after colonialism. When we were growing up, there were many things that were taken as normal that would today look absolutely ridiculous to our children. Children were not expected to talk back to their parents: if you did that, you could earn many strokes of the cane. In many families, whenever the father of the house was at home, nobody would try to be assertive, and any news that Daddy was returning from work would send both the children and their mother scampering in all directions.
Thus, in every home, there were boundaries. You were told never to start a meal by eating meat. That had to be the last routine. Children nowadays eat the meat or fish and just pick at the main dish. Parents even take their children to eateries and buy them roasted chickens. In those days, there was Daddy’s cup: you would never be caught drinking out of that cup. Daddy’s chair: you were not allowed to sit on it! Daddy’s Radio: Ha, of course, you would not go near that miserable transistor radio.
In those families where they had television sets, a rarity in those days, with the most popular being the black and white Grundig, usually securely locked, nobody was expected to touch that screaming evidence of family wealth!
It was black and white TV of course, but it only came alive whenever the father of the house, special custodian of the key to that box, opened it for viewing. If this was the custom in ordinary homes, imagine what crisis would have erupted in the larger community if a commoner were to sit on a king’s throne!
The times may be changing, but our communities are still governed by many codes and rules into which every family is expected to socialize their children and members. There is also something called protocol. In formal situations, it is considered rude to go and occupy a seat that has been reserved either for elders or special guests not to talk of the king. This can be seen even in the arrangement of official protocol in government. This is why the Vice President, for example would refuse to sit on the President’s seat, even when the President is on leave and he, the Deputy is acting as President.
In many states, nobody would dare sit physically on any seat reserved for the Governor. At the VIP lounge at our various airports, I have seen ordinary VIPs, occupying seats reserved for the President or for a special official of high rank. I have had to ask one or two persons to vacate that seat. How do you know a seat meant for the President? Usually, there would be a flag behind it, usually two flags: the Nigerian flag and the flag of the Commander-in-Chief. Can you imagine a civil servant sitting in front of those two flags? If he is caught, he would be chased out of that seat as if he had committed an abomination.
So, on all fronts, Stephen Nyitse behaved badly. His excuse that he wanted to “anoint” the King’s seat is stupid, because nobody gave him that assignment. Who is he?: A pastor or a demonic agent, driven by the spirits? In these days of Boko Haram and suicide bombing, the security agents did well by arresting him and whisking him away for interrogation.
But that is where it should end, more so as the police seem to have confirmed that he is not mentally ill, even if he is, that would be the more reason he should be helped and not punished. Stephen Nyitse has also not committed any offence known to law. He sat on the seat that would become a throne. He did not kill anybody. He did not disrupt the ceremony. Nobody was injured as a result of his action. He did not resist arrest. He could probably have said he acted out of love like that other man who named his dog Buhari!
This is one case that we should all probably have laughed off as a comic relief from Benue State. But it is nothing titillating, because of the final decision taken by the Tiv Traditional Council to banish Stephen Nyitse from Tivland, with strict instructions that no Tiv son or daughter must ever relate with him or help him. He is thus now, officially an outcast among his people.
There is no evidence that Nyitse was invited and interrogated by the Traditional Council. For sitting on the King’s chair, the traditional rulers of Tivland have taken away in one fell swoop, Stephen Nyitse’s right to fair hearing and human dignity, and his freedoms of movement, belief, choice, association and assembly. If this was 1840, perhaps the Traditional Council would have ordered his execution. But this is 2017, and under the Nigerian Constitution, no man can be punished except in accordance with the laws of the country. The new Tor Tiv who is a Professor should know that.
The pronouncement that no Tiv indigene should ever relate with Nyitse obviously includes his wife, if he is married to a Tiv, and of course his children, if he has. So, he loses his family, and his property if he has any in Tivland, his identity is taken away from him, he is declared a non-person, just because he sat on someone else’s chair? If at the coronation ceremony in question, one of the Tor Tiv’s grandchildren had been the person who walked across to that chair and sat on it, the crowd would have cheered.
They would have proclaimed that kingship runs in the veins of the new Tor Tiv’s sons. This same Tiv Traditional Council would have said with delight that while coronating one Tor Tiv, the gods showed them a future one! What is called African tradition can oftentimes be that hypocritical. The poor are the victims of the world; oppressed by the rich, the privileged and the local gods of our various villages, and the other gods that sit on thrones.
If that seat was so important, there should have been someone guarding it. In some traditional communities in this country, such a special seat would have some local chiefs and cult members protecting it, long before the new king is brought to sit on it. If that is not so, a policeman standing behind that seat would have been enough.
For the Tiv Traditional Council to react so harshly, they must have concluded that Stephen Nyitse offended the gods of their land. That was the context in which persons were banished from communities in the past. But I refer the new Tor Tiv, who is a Christian, to Judges 6: 28-31. “If Baal really is a god, he can defend himself when someone breaks down his altar.”
The Tor Tiv, who is obviously the chair of the Tiv Traditional Council should free Stephen Nyitse. If the traditional gods are angry, let them collect goats, kolanuts, and bottles of palm oil. On his coronation day, the Tor Tiv promised to fight injustice, and defend the interest of all sons and daughters of Tivland. He should not begin his reign on a note of harshness and highhanded-ness. He should begin his reign as a king who forgives…
Onukaba Adinoyi-Ojo (1960-2017)
Onukaba Adinoyi-Ojo, thespian, journalist, playwright, administrator, politician and our friend and colleague died on Sunday on one of Nigeria’s impossibly treacherous roads, fleeing from armed robbers. If armed robbers knew who he was, may be they would have spared him.
He was a true man of talent, a gifted professional and a man who will always be remembered for the quality of his art and person.
He was not your ordinary journalist. He was an intellectual. He had gravitas and he deployed his polyvalent understanding with ease without going out of his way to intimidate less gifted persons.
There is so much cant in this country and so much emptiness. But I never caught Onukaba flogging people with his brilliance. He was a very friendly, accommodating and understanding fellow who made many friends because he easily masked his superiority. This was the secret of his success as Managing Director of the Daily Times. In better-organized countries, a man like him will still be alive and not be chased to death by armed robbers. But here we are: another sad story. Nigeria easily kills off its best.
Onukaba is probably the best airport correspondent Nigeria ever produced. He made his mark at the airport, hunting for stories, interviewing the prominent and the influential, and it was at the airport that he met General Olusegun Obasanjo who changed his life for good.
When I arrived at the University of Ibadan for graduate studies in Theatre Arts, I found myself in a class that had been carefully selected including smart persons from virtually every part of the country: UNN, ABU, Jos, Calabar, Ibadan, Ilorin, Benin, Port Harcourt. Shuaibu Ojo, as he then was, was one of the three persons from the home department, Ibadan.
We all knew each other more or less, because theatre students in Nigeria usually meet at an annual festival called NUTAF. The Ibadan students wouldn’t allow me rest: they told me they had Shuaibu in my class and he would show me that Ibadan’s Second Class Upper was superior to my Calabar First Class. I had my head in the clouds in those days. I told them I was waiting for their Shuaibu and that I would not only beat him, but I would also make history in the entire university.
Shuaibu didn’t take up the Ibadan offer. He later went to the United States, where he did a Masters in Journalism and a Ph.D in Performance Studies. I admired him. He is the only Nigerian I knew for a long time with a Ph.D in Performance Studies, the conjunction point of theatre studies, and under Richard Schechner, the scholar who developed that field into a defining medley of theatre, art and politics. Onukaba and I shared many paths over the years- through UI, The Guardian, Africa Leadership Forum, OBJ, Baba or Obas as we call him, journalism, spokesmanship, writing... His death diminishes us.
The flag should fly at half-mast at all Departments of Theatre, Dramatic, Media and Creative Arts in Nigeria because he was one of the best advertisements of the multi-disciplinary quality of their curriculum. Choo-bo-i, my brother!
After the publication of my column last week, titled “I want to go to London… to see Buhari”, I received a lot of feedback from persons who were either amused or dead serious that they had been overlooked in my compilation of the list of persons who should go to London. One fellow asked:
“Abati, you left out the Miyetti Allah and the cattle herders of Nigeria.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yes, they too will like to go to London”
“With due respect, to go and herd cattle?”
“No, to visit the President and reassure him about the welfare of his cattle”
“My friend, are we talking about cattle or the health of Mr. President?”
“We are talking about everything and anything that can ensure the President’s speedy recover.”
“Speedy recovery!”
“Speedy recover!”
“My friend, it is speedy recovery, not speedy recover!”
“That is your problem. You spend too much time worrying about grammar and big words you don’t oftentimes know what to do. Look at you, you even left out local government chairmen. You left out an important organization like ALGON, the umbrella body of local government chairmen. You also did not insist that there should be a special resolution of the National Assembly in both chambers authorizing that a formal joint delegation should be sent to London to see the President, instead of the Senate President and the Speaker sneaking to London, behind every one else’s back.”
Candidly, I didn’t know what to say. But just about then, I received a text message and a phone call.
“Abati”
“Yes?”
“I don’t like that your article. An old man is ill, and you are mocking him with your pen.”
“No. You are misreading the article. That is not my message. I understand that a President is a human being. No President has supernatural immunity. It is not unusual for any human being to have a medical challenge.”
“I didn’t get that message. You sounded like you were having fun, with your article dripping with cruel sarcasm. You have to be careful how you come across. You were just busy throwing yabis up and down. Are you Fela?”
“Calm down. My point is that the President’s stay in London should not become an opportunity for eye service, which is the biggest enterprise in Nigeria. Before you know it now, everybody will start trooping to London to see the President, and that will create too many leaking buckets, a lot of waste. I tried to use the vehicle of humour and laughter to ridicule and stop that.”
“I have said my own. Maybe you should re-read the article. When they decide to do something about you, don’t just say your friends abandoned you. If you want to be a stand up comedian, make up your mind. But this one that every time you carry your pen, you’ll start making jest of serious national matters in the name of writing, well, na you sabi oh.”
No writer should be placed under pressure to explain his own message. Language is invariably embodied, iconic, symbolic, semiotic and hence open to interpretations relative to levels of perception. So, I gave up on that conversation. But I was vindicated a few days ago. Another friend called, also anxious to discuss the most important subject in Nigeria today: President Buhari’s health and absence.
“Ore, ki la ri wi, ki l’on sele, ewo lewo, omo boy”
“Abati”
“How are you?”
“Have you noticed something?”
“What?”
“Since you wrote that article on your plan to go to London, people have stopped going to London or they have stopped them. When last did you see anybody posing for a photo opportunity with Sai Baba in front of Abuja house?”
”They are probably still going. London is Nigeria’s new Holy land. It may well just be that they are no longer publicizing the visits.”
“If there is no publicity, then very few people will go. A handshake with the President shown to all Nigerians, while the President is on medical exile, can open many doors for many people.”
“Medical exile. I like that phrase.”
“Forget that. I am not here to discuss grammar. I have a business idea that I think we can discuss. What you don’t know is that some people are already exploiting the business opportunities involved in Sai Baba’s absence.”
“How?”
“I pity you. The only thing you know is to speak and write English and lift your head to the clouds. You can’t smell business. The biggest business in Nigeria today is to be seen to be loyal to President Buhari.”
“I don’t quite get the business angle.”
“This is my proposal, then. We have to do something. In this season of recession, you have to think creatively. That is the best way to beat recession. We also have to organize a solidarity rally or a prayer session for Buhari.”
“How is that a business?”
“Very strategic business”
“How?”
“First things first. Do you think all the people who have been organizing rallies and prayer sessions are doing it for fun, or free of charge, or for love?”
“I am aware that they are doing it out of love for the President. They have all said they wish him well. They are praying for his good health and for the well-being of the nation.”
“Is that why there is so much competition to pray for Buhari, then?”
“What I am aware of is that prayer sessions have been held in parts of the country, in Kano by the Governor, and the Emir, in Kaduna by the state Governor and the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), In Katsina state, where 50, 000 youths gathered in Daura under the umbrella of the Buhari Youth Congress for Change. In Nasarawa, Muslim faithful from 13 local councils and 18 development units spent 4 hours praying in Lafia. Security was even provided by the Nigerian Army, the Police, the Civil Defence Corps and other government agencies. The same thing happened in Kwara State, and Jigawa where the state chapter of the Jama’atul Nasril Islam also conducted prayers.”
“I am glad you have been following the trend.”
“You should trust me. Let me also tell you that all mosques across the North have been placed in a prayer mode, under strict instructions from the Sultan. Not even the private sector is left out: The Pyramid Radio Mosque in Kano held a prayer session for Buhari, attended by over 200 Muslim faithful.”
“And you still don’t see the business opportunity in all of this?”
“No. My only concern is that Nigeria is a secular state. The Constitution says so. When we begin to involve the state in prayer sessions, we are violating the law.”
“Leave that matter. The Constitution says we are a secular state. It does not say the people must not pray for their leaders.”
“Not quite so”
“I beg. Let’s talk business. See, I have a business proposal in my head. We can beat all these people to it. Instead of all these, small, small, prayers-for-Buhari that they are organizing, we can have a grand prayer rally, at every stadium in this country. I know people who can link me up with all the big Pastors and Imams in Nigeria, and every week till President Buhari returns, we can have inter-denominational prayer rallies and vigils from one state to another.”
“But where is the business in that?”
“We will buy tickets, keep people in hotels, organize transportation from every local government to the state capital, we will put money in envelopes, pay for venues, provide refreshment, and we will ensure we surpass the prayers warriors of Nasarawa who prayed for only four hours. We will make our own 8 hours. We will also involve evangelical musicians and prayer warriors. These prayers don’t come cheap or free.”
“How? Where will the money come from?”
“I can’t give you all the details. You see this my head, it is full of business but to give you an idea, we will get the state governors and local chairmen involved, corporate Nigeria and SMEs will also be mobilized. They will bring money. They won’t want to be seen to be opposing prayer sessions for the President. They too will understand the business implications.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You still don’t get it? What don’t you get? Can’t you see that even the People’s Democratic Party and all their Governors are also talking about holding prayer sessions for the President? Last year, when the President went for an ear infection vacation, the PDP – Governors, National Assembly members and other stakeholders held a prayer session. This year, with the President now on medical exile in London, the PDP is planning an even bigger prayer session from Delta state to Bayelsa to Ekiti. Fayose who once predicted that the President would fall sick is now a Buhari prayer warrior. Bet with me, the way this thing is going, you would wake up one day and Fayose will hold a prayer rally in Ado Ekiti. I know what I am talking about.”
“I don’t know. So, why are you telling me?”
“You know people. You can provide relevant contacts and we can get this thing done.”
“But what if you don’t make any money?”
“We can’t fail. The business model in my head cannot fail. People are making gains already. Everything is not money. The President made a phone call to the Governor of Kano while a prayer session was going on at the Government House in Kano. Just 300 Imams and Islamic scholars oh, but the Governor made sure the phone call was broadcast live on all local radio stations in Kano state. Calculate the cost of that in business terms. An ordinary phone call from President Buhari at this time is worth its weight in gold. Since that phone call to Governor Ganduje, other state Governors have been falling over themselves to organize prayer sessions. The Governors of Katsina, Kebbi and Gombe have also received their own phone calls.”
“I am confused.”
“You will soon get it. The day we succeed in organizing our own prayer session, with over a million Nigerians, I will make sure President Buhari makes a direct, live telephone call to the stadium. He will mention the names of Governors, CEOs, VIPs, media executives, and the whole thing will be on skype, whatsapp, snap chat, instagram, you tube, live streaming. And the prayers will go straight to heaven, because we will make sure we invite only those pastors and imams who have been saying they have direct telephones to God.”
“There are such religious leaders in this country?”
“Yes”
“But you seem to have left out the diviners, the aborigines, the herbalists…”
“Sai Baba is a devout Muslim. We can’t bring such people to the public domain, but we’d find a way of providing for them. We’d give them cows, rams, goats, clothes, palm oil, kolanuts, alligator pepper… and they will pray and be happy in their underground covens.”
“And you, what will you do?”
“If Sai Baba can just make that phone call, I will jump in the air and dance like Dekunle Ajokete.”
“But what if something goes wrong and the network connection fails. Or your phone runs out of battery.”
“A text message from Sai Baba will be just fine. If I get just that, Walahi, I will twerk publicly like Tiwa Savage.”
“Tiwa Savage? Does Mummy Jam Jam twerk also, with that her small 2G package? To twerk properly, you need 3G, 4G, or wifi Bakassi. What you are proposing sounds like Kwa-ra-pption.”
“Dey there. You think any judge will indict or convict anybody for praying for the President? Even the Judges may soon organize a prayer session for Buhari.”
“Let’s talk a bit more about this twerking business."
“Get out. I am talking business; you are talking twerking! You have no business sense.”