Sunday, 12 March 2017 11:10

‘O leader, while you were away...! -Bala Muhammad

Again, we have cause to welcome back Our Leader, as we welcomed another leader more than seven years ago on this same page. But alhamdu lilLah this time there is no sneaking in in the middle of the night. Good thing Abuja Airport is closed so Kaduna Airport took the limelight early Friday morning. Welcome, O Leader, Ya Shugaba!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

YEMI IDIAGBON PLUS

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, nothing stopped. In fact, many things improved! This your Actor seems to be very good! You really got another Tunde Idiagbon in this Yemi Osinbajo, the one you craved to find in Tunde Bakare back in 2011. And, to be fair to this Great Actor, he has attributed all the modest achievements (a slightly stronger Naira, a few extra hours of ‘light’, etc.) to you, squarely and humbly - that it was your plan all along that has now come to fruition, and that he was always consulting you, remotely. 

But can you imagine, Sire, that the Nigerian Commentariat are linking these little ‘good fortunes’ during your absence to your Idiagbon, rather than to you! Now that you are said to have said ‘Let the Acting Continue’ we await what they will say. May the price of rice crash, amin!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

CABAL WITHOUT MADAM

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away there was palpable fear that the country would experience Cabal 2. Perhaps three reasons contributed to its not really taking off the ground. One, you correctly and constitutionally handed over to the Great Actor, unlike what happened that led to the creation of Cabal 1. Two, the perceived Chairman of Cabal 2 was said to be away with you yonder on a Nursing Mission, and so there was no head (or tail) to the expected, but much feared, Caballous Activity. 

Third, and perhaps most importantly, this nation is not used to a Cabal without the Lady, whether First or Estranged. And so, phew! A sigh of relief! No Cabal 2. Yet!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

YOUR MUMU BROTHERS

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, it showed that we, Northerners, are really ‘mumus’, ‘wawaye’ ‘gaulaye’, in fact ‘shakulatin bangaro’! And since you are from Daura, the Heart of Hausa Bakwai, you’ll understand what I mean. Two particularly bright Ministers know exactly the right words to bring out the fools that we are. 

Imagine Fashola, he of Works, mentioning the gigantic multi-billion Naira Second Niger Bridge project in the same breath with the miniscule repairs of sand-excavation erosion under Tamburawa Bridge in Kano! Or that Amaechi, he of Transportation, coming to Kano to lull us Mumus to sleep (that he is talking to the Chinese on the new Kano-Kaduna rail line loan) while he just started the Lagos-Ibadan end of the project. 

And we thought you had directed they start simultaneously. And then they rehabilitated the Abuja-Kaduna road for the Abuja political elite (congratulations to them), but NO ONE is talking about the dilapidated and broken Kaduna-Kano end of the same road! Mumus!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

IBORI SNEAKED IN

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, a certain James Ibori sneaked in. The hilarious Commentariat even claimed the British took you and let us have Criminal Emeritus instead. Thank God you have followed him come. We understand he is still around, somewhere. 

And what cheek - thousands came out to receive him and he had the temerity to say publicly he is one honest dealer! Sire, now that you are back, remember that judge that nulled and voided those 70 plus charges against Emeritus many years ago? We suggest someone go after both - Delta State still needs its money back. And do you need any motive? 

One, fight against corruption and two, most importantly, this man almost single-handedly funded that 2007 elections that the Supreme Court said you almost won. They say you never forget - so we remind you!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

SWEET WHISTLE SOUNDS

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, the sweet sounds of whistles scented the air. Whistles are being blown by men and women, young and old, relatives and enemies. 

And the whistles have led to the discovery of our common patrimony, and led to sibling rivalry. One particular shameless stasher whose whistle was blown (that the game was over) has even taken you to court asking that the stash he stashed in the slums of your own Northern city be unstashed and returned to him, and an additional compensation of One Billion Naira be added unto him! Plus apology! You know what, Sire? 

It is the absence of tough laws on graft. It’s one thing to fight corruption, but another thing entirely to punish it. We have said it repeatedly here that THE CHINESE SOLUTION is the way out! And that raid on judges must continue, even though your appointee the new CJN has been sworn in.

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

REMEMBER KANO AIRPORT?

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! You arrived via Kaduna Airport, but how we wish your political handlers had arranged that you landed at Kano Airport! Remember those two million plus votes? Well, we are still here, Sire, or almost. 

Had you landed here, we would have all have come out to welcome you, if not for anything but to show 2019 Pretenders that the votes lie elsewhere. But then, as always, we are forgiving and understanding, since this is a medical trip. 

Only that the first official visit you may take should be this way - Kano pines for you two years after two million! Oh, and that your boy, the Aviation Minister, did well by Kaduna Airport as Oduah did for Enugu Airport!

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

STILL ON GRASS-CUTTING

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, this nagging matter of ‘Grass-cutting’ refused to go away. In fact, someone went to the National Assembly to defend a budget which included provision for, you guessed, grass-cutting. 

Sire, wallahi you must do something about this grass-cutting business. Attempts are being made left right and centre to silence the matter. And also, a certain matter known as MTN-cutting (whence a hefty fine for the conglomerate was slashed massively as one would do IDP-Camp grass) refuses to die. 

People are asking whether you really wrote that Exonerative Letter, or only appended your Excellent Signature much as late President Yarádua was said to have signed the Eight-Year-Director-Exit Order at the airport on his way out of the country on medical leave. And see what happened.

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

 

ON SINGLE TERM

Ya Shugaba! O Leader! While you were away, two of the frontline 2019 gladiators were all over the place making ‘political impact’. While the one upped the ante of his famous ‘National Restructuring’, the other was busy inaugurating projects in Borno. But let me tell them what happened in Gboko the other day at the Coronation of the new Tor Tiv. 

One usurper sat on the Tor’s throne and, to cut the long story short, a magistrate court has now sentenced him to a full single political term - four years in jail. That’s their hope for you - single term. Our hopes are a little different. Need one say more?

Sannu Baba! May that which we fear never happen to us again!

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