Thursday, 04 July 2019 05:20

[Opinion] If I were President Buhari, I’ll Appoint 85 And 90-Year Olds As Ministers - Bayo Oluwasanmi

As humans, we are all agents of history, acting out our roles, moving or failing to move according to its tides. At this moment in our history, Nigerians feel the need and urgency for President Muhammadu Buhari Baba Slow Motion to move quickly and fill cabinet posts. 

The most important instrument for any president to translate his vision into concrete goals and policies in the executive branch is the caliber of people he appoints as ministers. The president must delegate responsibilities to his cabinet members. How well consistently and effectively the executive branch functions, depends to a great extent on how wisely the president chooses and uses his cabinet.

For any president to achieve his vision, the basic criteria selection for his cabinet members should be excellence and competence. The men and women chosen by the president must have demonstrated by successful experience in fields related to capacities they are to serve. 

One of the important judgment calls of a president is willingness to pick, and effectively use outstanding able subordinates. Cabinet members must know and understand presidential decisions. People President Buhari appointed as federal ministers in his first term, were  a remarkable collection of individuals - unqualified, inexperienced, mediocres, and people with plain old ignorance. Till tomorrow, no one knows how well they performed. Their score cards are yet to be released by Aso Rock.

If I were President Buhari, my pick for ministers will reflect the administration’s priorities for Nigeria: to hell with quality and qualifications, to hell with ability, capacity, and capability, to hell with equal representation, to hell with fairness and justice!

I will appoint men and women who are between the ages 85 and 90 nearing departure lounge. People who are infirm, frail, and fragile like the octogenarian Nigerian Ambassador to the US, Ambassador Sylvanus Adiewere Nsofor who was born March 17, 1935 in Oguta, Imo State. I’ll appoint people who are deaf, dumb, and blind so the physically challenged will be fairly represented in my administration. I’ll appoint one of the Fulani herdsmen terrorists as minister of education. Shekau, the Boko Haram war lord will oversee safety and security of the nation, better still, he’ll serve as minister of defense. 

My choice of finance minister will be Bukola Abiku Mesujamba Saraki with untarnished  record in raiding and collapsing banks. My top candidate for agriculture ministry will be the head of women for Tradermoni. For works, housing, and transportation, I’ll ask Babalakin the notorious contractor who fled with billions of Naira meant for the construction of Lagos-Ibadan Expressway and the MM II. I believe he’ll do a fantastic job. For Chief of Staff, First Lady Aisha Buhari is the only one I trust who can hold the position. All the service chiefs, head of customs, immigration, aviation, SSS, NPF, CCT, ICPC, EFCC, CJ, NNPC and all other federal agencies that read like alphabetical soup, and all federal judges, will be from the north. Again, I trust only people from that area of the country. Now you have the idea of the type of people I’ll choose to head the rest ministries. 

In short, consideration will be given to the following candidates as federal ministers:

Must be northerners with highest education of primary school attestation certificate. Must have been convicted for corruption, looting, stealing of public funds or be potentially indictable for such crimes. Must be computer illiterates. Must be empty headed. Must be allergic to creativity and innovation. Must be morons!

With these cabinet ministers, I believe Nigeria will be well positioned for the next level. For the first in 58 plus years, Nigerians will feel the impact of a government like never before. They will have a sense of belonging and be proud as Nigerians. Nigerians, you’re in good hands for the next four years... stay tuned!

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